Snow is slowly falling

Christmas, the most wonderful time of the year. Snow is slowly falling to the ground. Beautiful Christmas songs playing and people are sending Christmas cards. It's time to gather around the Christmas tree. All the family together eating delicious food, that has been prepared with love. And all the presents, wrapped inside silvery and golden wrapping paper.

That's how Christmas should be. In reality it can be the worst time of the year for many people. For those without the near and the dear ones it can be the loneliest time of the year for sure. Also it's the time of the year when graveyards are much visited; it's the time of missing someone, who isn't here anymore. There are people wishing they had a family to spend Christmas with. Some wish they had kids that they could surprise with gifts. Families inside the pretty houses and Christmas lights are fighting too. Especially with too much alcohol Christmas can turn into a nightmare.

I enjoy Christmas time, mostly. It can be very stressful if there are too many things to do and food to prepare. Everyone should find their own way of spending Christmas. Without stress and the feeling of being forced to do anything. There are always some things that are left undone. But who cares?

Anyway, I have to go and do some shopping now. Stressed? Don't know. Tired? Yes. It's been a challenging year. I'm joining the hundreds of people running there and buying food and presents.
PS. In Finland we have only hundreds of people.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

The playground and November light

I used to think that people who break their own routines and move to the country-side are at least crazy. Moving out of from the centre where everything is happening. Why does anyone want to do that? Maybe there are some reasons for that. Slower life, cosy life. More place for the kids to play, to live closer to the nature.

There are many things you can invest in. Some people use much of their money and time to travel to different places. I love travelling. There are so may places to see and things to experience. But right now we have been investing in our house and it's and surroundings. Many years of renovating the house and still some small things to be done.

Now we have been building a playground in the yard. The playground was not planned to be this big, it just happened. And actually, it can even be enlarged. Why not? Life is our playground. Enjoy these pictures taken in November's different shades of gray.

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself

(unknown)

 

New swings..

 

 

 

...and a slide,

 

 

our little girl playing in the dark.

 

A flying lantern sent to the sky..

 

 

 

 

 

It happened on a Friday

When something unexpected happens to you the second time, it's not that dramatic, or is it? From the last time I can remember what a nice and warm day it was, how I was lying in a hammock. This time it was the end of September, a bit chilly, the leaves coloured yellow and red. Describing the weather makes things sound more dramatic, right? Who cares about the weather, anyway.This time it happened on a Friday. I'm talking about miscarriage.

Last time the first feeling was sadness, now it was anger. I felt betrayed. Here I had been wishing for something and eating healthy, and not knowing that it would end again. If we had gone to check it earlier, the doctor could have told us that it was an anembryonic pregnancy. Now we went for the ultrasound scan at the hospital and everything felt just right. I've had all kinds of pregnancy symptoms and no bleeding at all. The scanner showed that there was a sac, but no baby inside. So, there had been nobody inside.

I'm quite speechless right now. Last time I had a need to go through and talk about what happened. Now I don't have much to say about this thing. These things just happen and there nothing you can do about that. So, the thing is: I don't even have a need of eating ice cream or chocolate. Wow. No Ben & Jerries this time. Hopefully I'm writing some songs and playing the piano. Going on with life here and now, and doing something creative. Playing racing cars with my toddler. This day could be as well my favourite day. Today, not tomorrow.

I've never been a big fan of Winnie-the-Pooh, but here is something, that is good to remember:
"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
― A.A. Milne

The playground

What's new with the bus? We moved the bus from one corner of the yard to another. The bus had to be towed with another car, pulled with a pulley and also pushed to it's final place. Sounds easy, right? Since the bus has no engine and quite empty wheels, it took a while.

The week before there were trucks driving to our yard, bringing sand and gravel. Now we have a playground with sand bottom. There is a sandbox too for outdoor play. We will also put swings, a slide and somekind of climbing frame in this area.

The traffic signs are from the landfill. Now they are hanging on the tree. The yellow mailbox is our old one. We had to change it because it was hit by a car. Someone was turning the car and not noticing the mailbox. And no, that someone wasn't me. The box has been sprayed with a yellow colour, it used to be gray/silver.

Wooden stairs that help climbing inside the bus.

There is a hammock hanging on the other side.

New lights and eyelashes.

Now there is music too in the bus. Right now you can listen to the radio, but soon there will be kid's music available as well. As you can see there are led-lights placed inside. It's useful when the evenings get darker in autumn.

Bus update

What's new with the bus? I've been sewing curtains for the windows. The old curtains were in pretty bad shape, so we threw them away. There are 5 windows in the car, and two curtains were needed for each window. I think they make a cosy feeling in the car. I still have some left of the cloth. Maybe I can sew something else too.

Here is also one picture from the back of the car. A nice place to sit or sleep, especially for a child. We softened it a bit by adding a mattress there.

The other thing that I've been working on is painting a landscape on the outside. I've been doing it with one colour at a time. It's not ready yet. It started with some grass, now there are flowers too. Now I'm waiting for some better weather for painting (it's been raining).

My husband put some new spray on the car a few weeks ago. I think it looks nicer now with some fresh colour.

It happened on a Monday

Life is full of things you will never understand. Situations you thought you would never face yourself. But when you face them, they make you somehow stronger (at least I hope so). And maybe you can understand better what other people go through in their lives. This is a small story about that. Ironically it happened on a Monday.

Last Monday I went to the hospital with my husband to check that everything was okay with the pregnancy. I had my suspicions, because I had been bleeding and having some pain for four days. When I called the hospital during that time, they told me to wait for Monday. That nothing could be done right now. Well, the message was that unless I faint or bleed until I faint everything is under control. I had no experiences about miscarriage, I guess nobody had until it happens to you. It’s so frustrating to wait, especially when you don’t know how everything is going to end. Anyway, after an endless weekend that Monday came.

We drove to the hospital and the morning was bright and sunny. I was prepared for the worst. It was our turn for the sonogram at the hospital. I was hoping that everything would be fine (although I knew things were not right). This is what we found out. The growth our our child-to-be had stopped four weeks ago, and there was no pulse. It’s was so sad to watch this small and helpless thing on the screen, and see it lying there, without any movement. This is like nothing I have experienced before. I had been pregnant for only three months, and it felt like I had lost a real person. We didn’t know if it would have been a boy or a girl, there were no planned names or anything. Everything had waited for knowing that the first 11 weeks had gone well. I could feel the tears in my eyes.

When we drove back from the hospital everything looked so beautiful, the first warm day of spring. Like real summer. There the pain was. Sorrow, disappointment, emptiness. Questions. Why did it happen? Oh yes, the statistics tell that 10-15 % have a miscarriage during the 12 first weeks of the pregnancy. And I know that I’m not the only one this happens to. Who cares about statistics? I would have really wanted this child. A boy or a girl. Someone who would have been played with our little girl, played in the sand, laughed and said “mommy” to me. But there is nothing that could have been done. These are things that nobody can do anything to. I have to accept what happened and move on.

How can it be so sad to lose someone you never knew?

Life always offers you a second chance, it´s called tomorrow. 

-Dylan Thomas

The Kleinbus as playhouse

My husband got this idea of a car as a playhouse for our little girl. He got the idea from cartoon books. Our kleinbus is an old policecar, we bought it from Orimattila. The car has no motor, but right now it doesn't need one. However, the plan is to buy an motor some day. Right now it's a playhouse.

What have we done so far? We have painted the inside (partly) with white spray. The bench in the back has new fake leather on it. It's quite comfortable to sit on. We also bought two chairs, a table and a play kitchen inside. And wall stickers, of course. Now there is also a nicer carpet on the floor, and in the back. Some colours have been added too on the outside, to make it more like a car for kids.

 

Here is a picture from the outside. It's changing all the time, some new flowers and a landscape will be painted and also some colours will be added. I will write more about the car after two weeks. Wait and see!

Our Kleinbus

Today we went to pick up a “playhouse” for our little girl. The “house” is an old car, a kleinbus from year 1979. How cool is that? It’s a nice project, the plan is to fix it just a little bit. Oh yes, I will paint flowers on it!

My personal trainer

I have a personal trainer. I didn’t apply for one. I know some people want to have one. It helps them to practice sports and maybe lose weight too. But I’m sure that their trainer is not as effective as mine. Every time I sit down, this trainer comes and grabs my feet. The message is clear: “Move your feet!” If I don’t move, noise is added. It sounds like this: “aaaaa…aaaa!” (You know, I’m not asking you to move-this is a command).

My personal trainer also shows me where to sit down (sometimes she allows me to sit for a while). The other part of training is running after her in the stairs (up and down), through snow, and later in water puddles.

After all this training, you would think that no extra exercise is needed. Wrong. Somehow that training worked when it was done the whole day. When done only in evening time it’s not effective enough, but it makes you tired for sure.