Life is full of things you will never understand. Situations you thought you would never face yourself. But when you face them, they make you somehow stronger (at least I hope so). And maybe you can understand better what other people go through in their lives. This is a small story about that. Ironically it happened on a Monday.
Last Monday I went to the hospital with my husband to check that everything was okay with the pregnancy. I had my suspicions, because I had been bleeding and having some pain for four days. When I called the hospital during that time, they told me to wait for Monday. That nothing could be done right now. Well, the message was that unless I faint or bleed until I faint everything is under control. I had no experiences about miscarriage, I guess nobody had until it happens to you. It’s so frustrating to wait, especially when you don’t know how everything is going to end. Anyway, after an endless weekend that Monday came.
We drove to the hospital and the morning was bright and sunny. I was prepared for the worst. It was our turn for the sonogram at the hospital. I was hoping that everything would be fine (although I knew things were not right). This is what we found out. The growth our our child-to-be had stopped four weeks ago, and there was no pulse. It’s was so sad to watch this small and helpless thing on the screen, and see it lying there, without any movement. This is like nothing I have experienced before. I had been pregnant for only three months, and it felt like I had lost a real person. We didn’t know if it would have been a boy or a girl, there were no planned names or anything. Everything had waited for knowing that the first 11 weeks had gone well. I could feel the tears in my eyes.
When we drove back from the hospital everything looked so beautiful, the first warm day of spring. Like real summer. There the pain was. Sorrow, disappointment, emptiness. Questions. Why did it happen? Oh yes, the statistics tell that 10-15 % have a miscarriage during the 12 first weeks of the pregnancy. And I know that I’m not the only one this happens to. Who cares about statistics? I would have really wanted this child. A boy or a girl. Someone who would have been played with our little girl, played in the sand, laughed and said “mommy” to me. But there is nothing that could have been done. These are things that nobody can do anything to. I have to accept what happened and move on.
How can it be so sad to lose someone you never knew?
Life always offers you a second chance, it´s called tomorrow.
-Dylan Thomas
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