It happened on a Friday

When something unexpected happens to you the second time, it's not that dramatic, or is it? From the last time I can remember what a nice and warm day it was, how I was lying in a hammock. This time it was the end of September, a bit chilly, the leaves coloured yellow and red. Describing the weather makes things sound more dramatic, right? Who cares about the weather, anyway.This time it happened on a Friday. I'm talking about miscarriage.

Last time the first feeling was sadness, now it was anger. I felt betrayed. Here I had been wishing for something and eating healthy, and not knowing that it would end again. If we had gone to check it earlier, the doctor could have told us that it was an anembryonic pregnancy. Now we went for the ultrasound scan at the hospital and everything felt just right. I've had all kinds of pregnancy symptoms and no bleeding at all. The scanner showed that there was a sac, but no baby inside. So, there had been nobody inside.

I'm quite speechless right now. Last time I had a need to go through and talk about what happened. Now I don't have much to say about this thing. These things just happen and there nothing you can do about that. So, the thing is: I don't even have a need of eating ice cream or chocolate. Wow. No Ben & Jerries this time. Hopefully I'm writing some songs and playing the piano. Going on with life here and now, and doing something creative. Playing racing cars with my toddler. This day could be as well my favourite day. Today, not tomorrow.

I've never been a big fan of Winnie-the-Pooh, but here is something, that is good to remember:
"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”
― A.A. Milne

It happened on a Monday

Life is full of things you will never understand. Situations you thought you would never face yourself. But when you face them, they make you somehow stronger (at least I hope so). And maybe you can understand better what other people go through in their lives. This is a small story about that. Ironically it happened on a Monday.

Last Monday I went to the hospital with my husband to check that everything was okay with the pregnancy. I had my suspicions, because I had been bleeding and having some pain for four days. When I called the hospital during that time, they told me to wait for Monday. That nothing could be done right now. Well, the message was that unless I faint or bleed until I faint everything is under control. I had no experiences about miscarriage, I guess nobody had until it happens to you. It’s so frustrating to wait, especially when you don’t know how everything is going to end. Anyway, after an endless weekend that Monday came.

We drove to the hospital and the morning was bright and sunny. I was prepared for the worst. It was our turn for the sonogram at the hospital. I was hoping that everything would be fine (although I knew things were not right). This is what we found out. The growth our our child-to-be had stopped four weeks ago, and there was no pulse. It’s was so sad to watch this small and helpless thing on the screen, and see it lying there, without any movement. This is like nothing I have experienced before. I had been pregnant for only three months, and it felt like I had lost a real person. We didn’t know if it would have been a boy or a girl, there were no planned names or anything. Everything had waited for knowing that the first 11 weeks had gone well. I could feel the tears in my eyes.

When we drove back from the hospital everything looked so beautiful, the first warm day of spring. Like real summer. There the pain was. Sorrow, disappointment, emptiness. Questions. Why did it happen? Oh yes, the statistics tell that 10-15 % have a miscarriage during the 12 first weeks of the pregnancy. And I know that I’m not the only one this happens to. Who cares about statistics? I would have really wanted this child. A boy or a girl. Someone who would have been played with our little girl, played in the sand, laughed and said “mommy” to me. But there is nothing that could have been done. These are things that nobody can do anything to. I have to accept what happened and move on.

How can it be so sad to lose someone you never knew?

Life always offers you a second chance, it´s called tomorrow. 

-Dylan Thomas